You have just been elected president of the United States of America. You must address foreign policy, terrorism, healthcare, the military, the economy, education, the environment, and much more. What are the first three things you will do? Which issues are dearest to your heart? Do you think those issues overlap with the issues that are most important to the American public?

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Since it’s election season, I’ve actually been thinking a lot about what I would do as President of the U.S. Assuming that my Congress agrees with every single thing I say, here are some things I’d like to do:

1. Overhaul the Department of Education.

Obviously, this is an issue that is very close to me. And, in my opinion, there is not a person in the current administration who knows what goes on in schools; frankly, I doubt that any of the people in the Dept. of Ed. have ever taught in a school, and yet they are making rules that affect me on a daily basis. Dumb rules, too.

I’d toss everybody out and then staff it with competent teachers who know what they’re doing, and I’d make it a rule that every staff member (including the Secretary of the Department) has to teach for a year, every three years. That way they would think twice before they started making up asinine laws to govern the public school system.

2. I’d legalize those illegal immigrants. Then I’d tax the bejeezus out of them. I don’t mind that people want to come to our country. I mind that my tax dollars are paying for their educations, child welfare, and medical care when they aren’t paying for a darn thing. So I would say to them, “Why, yes, you CAN be a citizen in this country, and you get all the benefits that come along with that. P.S. SAY HELLO TO FICA.”

3. Somehow, some way, we have got to settle the situation in Iraq. I go back and forth on this. On the days when it’s relatively quiet, I think, “Let’s just move our troops out of there and leave them alone.” Then on the days when there are massive car bombings and some idiot claiming responsibility for the deaths of the American heathens, I think, “Give me a couple of nuclear bombs, and I will show you what it is to suffer.”

I don’t think the situation will ever be resolved, and I’m not sure it’s worth it to keep our troops in constant danger when there’s no end in sight.

Also, this is something that becomes more personal to me each year, because I see my students enlisting in the military, and I never EVER want to see their names on the casualty list. I dread that.

Those are my three most important issues, although of course I would have to spend a massive amount of time on the Make My Birthday a National Holiday Bill.