3B Theater Arts I

What’s the worst movie you’ve seen recently? What was so bad about it?

I’ve been very fortunate lately; I haven’t seen any bad movies. Of course, I also go to see movies by myself, so there’s nobody to influence my choices. My family has notoriously bad taste in movies (they are not as cultured as I am).

Here are some of the movies my family has forced me to watch:

Jason X -
I hate scary movies, but this one was scary only in the sense that someone actually paid money to put it on the screen. It insulted my intelligence; seriously, I am dumber as a result of having watched that movie. Reason: robotic ants with healing powers. As a fan of musical theater, I am good at suspending my disbelief, but COME ON.

Dumb and Dumber -
It’s in the title, isn’t it? Before we went to this movie, my dad read Roger Ebert’s review, in which D&D received zero stars. Throughout the showing of the film, he kept leaning over and saying, “ZERO STARS.” My least favorite moment (it was hard to choose just one) is when Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels get to Colorado (?) and they have frozen snot on their faces. That is wrong on so many levels.

The Scarlet Letter -
I am a fan of the book, which is why I hate this movie so much. You would think that filmmakers would be more respectful of an American classic, but … no. First, Demi Moore is no Hester Prynne. Second, [SPOILER!] the book does not end happily, but the movie does. Third, there’s this huge fight with the Indians that came out of nowhere–NOWHERE! I just get mad thinking about it.

See Spot Run -

Reason one: David Arquette
Reason two: Five minutes of falling into dog poo.
Reason three: “It was recommended to me by one of my [fifth grade] students,” my dad said.

Superheroes have it pretty good. Sure, a lot of them are lonely and misunderstood, but, as compensation, they can create massive storms at will, or fly, or shoot swords out of their fingers. If you could have any power, what would you choose, and why? What would you do with your new power?

I hate driving. I mean, I HATE DRIVING.

So my super power would be teleportation. I’d just be able to think of my location and then ZAP, I’m there! Think how much gas money I’d save! And travel time! I’d get to sleep in on Monday mornings because I wouldn’t have to worry about traffic!

On the flip side, maybe I could teleport other people away from me. That might come in handy … smokers in the booth next to mine, people who talk in the movie theater, annoying students the person who brought 21 items into the express lane at WalMart. They would all be gone with a twitch of my finger.

It’s a totally self-serving power, but I am a totally selfish person, so I’m okay with that. Things that make my life easier are good, and teleportation would be an excellent addition to my already numerous awesome qualities.

If you and your friends could choose one new class to add to the curriculum, what would it be? Think of what would most help you in your daily life or what would prepare you for life after graduation. What kind of assignments would be required, and how would the class benefit students?

OBVIOUS!

I would add a Shakespeare class. All Shakespeare, all the time.

It might not offer applicable lessons that directly relate to life after graduation, but Shakespeare’s use of language and understanding of the human experience can only enhance a well-rounded education.

Indirectly, Shakespeare’s plays (and sonnets) can affect how a person thinks; for example, I know I would never kill myself if my boyfriend does, because I saw that happen in Romeo and Juliet, and I thought it was a dumb decision. I read how Richard III’s avarice led to his downfall, and how an unhealthy obsession with my mother’s love life could cause me to have visions and alienate–and eventually kill–everybody who loves me, just like Hamlet did. Troilus and Cressida showed me what kind of mother NOT to be, and Twelfth Night gave me awesome ideas for how to pull pranks on a pompous servant.

And that is just scratching the surface! Think how much more I could teach/learn if I read Shakespeare for a whole year! The school would not be big enough for my knowledge!

You have just been elected president of the United States of America. You must address foreign policy, terrorism, healthcare, the military, the economy, education, the environment, and much more. What are the first three things you will do? Which issues are dearest to your heart? Do you think those issues overlap with the issues that are most important to the American public?

Since it’s election season, I’ve actually been thinking a lot about what I would do as President of the U.S. Assuming that my Congress agrees with every single thing I say, here are some things I’d like to do:

1. Overhaul the Department of Education.

Obviously, this is an issue that is very close to me. And, in my opinion, there is not a person in the current administration who knows what goes on in schools; frankly, I doubt that any of the people in the Dept. of Ed. have ever taught in a school, and yet they are making rules that affect me on a daily basis. Dumb rules, too.

I’d toss everybody out and then staff it with competent teachers who know what they’re doing, and I’d make it a rule that every staff member (including the Secretary of the Department) has to teach for a year, every three years. That way they would think twice before they started making up asinine laws to govern the public school system.

2. I’d legalize those illegal immigrants. Then I’d tax the bejeezus out of them. I don’t mind that people want to come to our country. I mind that my tax dollars are paying for their educations, child welfare, and medical care when they aren’t paying for a darn thing. So I would say to them, “Why, yes, you CAN be a citizen in this country, and you get all the benefits that come along with that. P.S. SAY HELLO TO FICA.”

3. Somehow, some way, we have got to settle the situation in Iraq. I go back and forth on this. On the days when it’s relatively quiet, I think, “Let’s just move our troops out of there and leave them alone.” Then on the days when there are massive car bombings and some idiot claiming responsibility for the deaths of the American heathens, I think, “Give me a couple of nuclear bombs, and I will show you what it is to suffer.”

I don’t think the situation will ever be resolved, and I’m not sure it’s worth it to keep our troops in constant danger when there’s no end in sight.

Also, this is something that becomes more personal to me each year, because I see my students enlisting in the military, and I never EVER want to see their names on the casualty list. I dread that.

Those are my three most important issues, although of course I would have to spend a massive amount of time on the Make My Birthday a National Holiday Bill.

Suppose you win $10 million in the lottery, but there’s a catch: you have to donate half of the money to charity. What charity would you choose? What would you do with the money you got to keep?

My charity would be the local humane society. I love animals, but I can’t make myself go to the humane society, because I know I would want to adopt all the animals that are there. I think it’s important to support animal charities; so many homeless animals are euthanized simply because local shelters don’t have the funds to keep them. I can’t think about it or I’ll get all upset.

That’s my cat Lyndie (above) who might have had to have gone to a shelter if I hadn’t adopted her. You can see that she’s very pleased.

I’m sure the money I kept would be gone in short order, as I would pack my bags and move to London. It’s my favorite city in the world, but it’s also a really expensive place to live. Pretty soon I would have a fake British accent (like Madonna) and I’d drink tea in the afternoons and ride lifts instead of elevators and jumpers instead of sweaters and when I call my family on the phone I’d say, “Cheers!” and when some little whippersnapper mugs me, I’ll be all: “Oi!”

sigh That’s a good story.

If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? Consider scientists, entertainers, world leaders, artists, writers, people in your family, and so on. Make a list of questions you’d like to ask this person.

Since I have a degree in English, and I’m an English teacher, and I have levels of nerdoriety that we have not even TALKED about yet, I choose William Shakespeare.

You guys, I LOVE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SO MUCH. He is like … well, if he weren’t married, and probably sexist, and potentially racist, and completely indifferent to proper hygiene, and you know: DEAD, he would totally be my boyfriend.

THAT IS SO WEIRD. Yeah, I know. I own it.

Questions I would ask William Shakespeare:

1. Sooo … you wanna get a drink or something?

1. Some people say you’re one of the greatest writers who ever lived. How do you feel about that?
2. How did you know that you wanted to be a writer?
3. You invented a lot of new words and phrases. How did you come up with those?
4. People all over the world know your plays. Did you ever think, when you were writing them, that they would still be read four hundred years later?
5. What do you think you would write about if you were alive in the 21st century?
6. How long did it take you to write a play?
7. Were you ever disappointed when you saw your plays onstage? Did you think the action matched up to what you’d imagined when you were writing?
8. You were the main playwright for your theater, but you were also an actor. Did you ever write any parts specifically for yourself and, if so, what were they?
9. Did you ever change your plays based on an audience’s reaction? For example, did you add more fight scenes if they crowd got bored or change an ending that an audience didn’t like?
10. There’s a lot we don’t know about you. I’m not saying you have to divulge any deep, dark secrets, but what would you like modern audiences to know about you?

Comments are closed Friday, January 11.

Most people have vivid memories of certain events from childhood. What sticks in your mind? Pick one particularly strong memory and describe it in detail.

When I was about four years old, my family traveled from New Orleans to Byhalia, Mississippi, to visit my grandparents. At the time, they lived on a farm.

A four-year-old who lives in New Orleans doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to see farm animals up close; in fact, I didn’t see many animals of any kind up close. So walking through the pastures and staring at the cows and goats was kind of a big deal.

One morning, my mom, my sister, and I were eating breakfast outside, when a haughty rooster came strutting through the pasture gate. Of course I’d never seen a chicken with its head still attached, so this was quite a treat. We clucked at it and threw cereal for it to peck at and, in general, acted towards it the same way we would have acted with a dog.

Roosters are not dogs.

This particular rooster must not have taken kindly to our noises and cereal offerings; he was downright mad about them, in fact. How do I know? Because he strutted right up to my chair and started pecking my bare foot!

I don’t know if you’ve ever had a beak pounding on your sole, but I can tell you from experience that it hurts. It hurts a LOT.

I screamed and pulled my feet up on the chair, the same way some people do when they see a mouse in the kitchen, and I refused to climb down until the rooster, satisfied that his work was done, swaggered back into the pasture and through the field.

And that is why, until I was ten years old, I was afraid of chickens.

Write your answer in the comments before Wednesday, January 9.

Many names have special meaning or history. For example, the name Vincent means “conqueror.” (… fitting, no?)

Write about your own name. Who named you? What does your name mean? Does it have a special ethnic or religious significance? Are you named after someone in your family? If you could change your name, would you?

Not sure what your name means? Check out these sites:

Behind the Name
Baby Name World
BabyNames.com
Name Central

Write your answer in the comments; make sure you use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

Here’s an example of a good entry:

My name, April, means “opening,” in the sense that flowers open their blooms in the spring. I wasn’t named after anyone, and my mom told me that my Indian name translates roughly to Spring Flower. I prefer that meaning, frankly.
My parents chose my name for me, and I couldn’t change it for that reason. Plus, I’m so used to it by now that I’d never remember to answer to a new name. The only time I consider changing my name is when dumb people make their dumb jokes: “Oh, April? I thought it was January! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
1. Like I’ve never heard THAT before.
2. It’s not funny and never has been.
3. Leave me alone.
I like my name. It’s unusual enough that there aren’t twenty people in the room with my name, but it’s not so uncommon that no one can pronounce it. In fact, I think an excellent way to honor a favorite teacher would be to name a kid April. (I’m just saying is all.)

Here is a bad example:

My name sux and yous does 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!1

Comments are open until Monday, January 7.